dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Let's paint friendship bongs
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
