I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
