I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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