she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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