so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
