wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So squirting runs in the family.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
