blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
