In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
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