the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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