Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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