walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
