You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
