I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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