The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
