There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
