saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
