I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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