I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
