I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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