Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
