I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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