I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
