you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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