theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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