My liver just broke up with me...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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