Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
