What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
