paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
