I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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