sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
