She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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