Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
