Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
