Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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