At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Randomize
