whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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