I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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