Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize