I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
