No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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