I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
