if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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