Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
