you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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