I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Randomize
