I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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