I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
