My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
