so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
