So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
