Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize