That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
