In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
