She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
