Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
