dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
