upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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