Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
