I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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