My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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