I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
