Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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