The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
